Episode I: Fixing a Computer Error

Hey, kids! Today we're going to learn how to fix a computer error with your favorite role models, Lee and Hungry Pimp!



Enjoying a rousing internet session, eh, Hungry Pimp? There's nothing like the feeling of rampaging technology under one's fingertips. However, as we all know from the piles of comic books we read as young lads, with great power comes great responsibility. It seems your own hunger may be the undoing of your computer.



Ye gads! Missiles at Russia?! Indeed, the price for sandwich porn is a hefty one.



Now, the important thing to do in the case of a computer error is to never panic. Excessive surprise can lead to drastic measures taken to solve a problem, many of which not only don't help, but sometimes make the situation worse.



HP: Oh, sweet Jesus! We all gon' die! I'm gittin' da hell outta he-ah!
Lee: We can do it, Hungry Pimp! Let's fix this bitch and show it who's boss! Believe in yourself! Do it for the hos! Do it for the food!



Once you've overcome the initial surprise of your situation, it's time to get right to work. Here Lee demonstrates the importance of accessing the graphical user interface with extreme aggression to try and decide if the problem is indeed what he fears it is: A coaxial flutter in the perpendicular cross-talk. Truly, a Computer Error of the Damned.

Behind him, Hungry Pimp remains steadfast, knowing that he too may have to lend his legendary computer skills to the task. When dealing with a computer error, it is usually advisable to have a hungry friend along for this very occurrence.



Realizing that you have no fucking clue what you're doing is another important step, not only to getting down to the bottom of the problem, but to building your own esteem through self-improvement. Here Lee gets all Freudian and starts asking the computer about its mother in the hopes of learning more about its past, and maybe, the key to its future.

Lee: Just talk to me. Please.
Dell: ...
Lee: I'm sensing some hostility.
Dell: ...



Hungry Pimp, knowing of no other way to deal with anything, tries pimp love. This is not advisable, as it can lead to serious electrical shocks and crushed hopes and dreams.

HP: C'mon, baby doll. I know what you crave.
Dell: Please unhand me, Dave.
HP: ...the fuck?! Dave?! You been seein' anudder pimp behin' my back?! Bitch, you best recognize who's in charge roun' he-ah!



Although you may encounter much hardship and numerous troubles when treating your problem, the important thing to remember is to never, ever lose your temper. In addition to probably breaking something, you'll also babble incoherent nonsense, and then everyone will realize you're a total goddamn idiot.

Lee: Fuck this! It's time to serve up some mighty justice! Foot Justice!



Lucky for Lee and Hungry Pimp, his attack upon the system knocked it over and opened the cover, easily leading us into our next topic: Hardware Issues. Should your computer error not be the result of software, it may be time to open it up and check out the inside.

Hungry Pimp, using his MacGuyver-esque skills and a box of Little Debbie "Zebra Cakes," appears to have found the problem. Although it's not visible in the photograph, it was discovered that deep within the bowels of this computer there was a blinking light that served no purpose whatsoever.

It was then that Lee realized that this was a government conspiracy to track all of Hungry Pimp's porn downloads. Drastic action had to be taken.



The most important part of working with your hardware is the tools you use. If you whip out the appropriate stuff, you can accomplish your goals faster, and possibly even pick up chicks with lines designed specifically for your tools.

A note on this: It doesn't always work if you have few verbal skills, as Lee demonstrated with his line: "Baby, the screwdriver is for screwing and the squirt gun is for squirting, and with my expertise and skill I'm guaranteed to have the job done in less than a minute."

Lee: Carefully, caaaarefully...just put the squirt gun in position...engaging Swiss Army Knife Attachment Interface...setting phasers to "stun"...
Dell: *crunch*
HP: Shit! You done screwed us all!
Lee: Run, Hungry Pimp! Go, go, go!



In a pinch, you can always rely on a good old fashioned exorcism to get the job done. Keep in mind that this should be saved and used only as a very last resort, and, as usual, it's best left to professionals like Hungry Pimp, who know how to turn the world all black and white for a cool old movie effect.

HP: The power of twinkie compels you...the power of twinkie compels you...



With the crisis averted, there is but one course of action for all involved: Celebration.

Lee: Censorship my ass! Just try monitoring my porn intake again, America! The government can't bring me down, biatch!



HP: Mmmfffugghhaaa...life in the fast lane... *belch*...so much...to eat...*gurgle*
HP: *Fffrrrtttt* Ah. Much better.



This fucker is all talk. That was a job well done, gentlemen. A job well done.