Episode II: Throwing a Rave

Ah, those lazy summer days, eh, guys? Nothing to do but sit back and enjoy a little bit of time with some good friends, watching the old television set play those reruns of Friends for the billionth time...it's pure bliss.

Yet, shouldn't there be more? Shouldn't summer be about actually having fun? Indeed it should be, and who better to show you how to enjoy your summer vacation than those lovable guys (from left to right) Coltimus Prime, Lee, and Hungry Pimp?



Taking the initiative, eh, Lee? In order to have good, clean, organized fun, you must set goals, lay plans to achieve those goals, and then follow through in a decisive manner. Only then can you truly achieve the fun you desire.

Lee: Here's an idea: Let's find out where David Schwimmer lives and then kidnap him, drag him out into the deserts of New Mexico, and kill him by repeatedly beating his face with a hammer. I feel it's the only way I can justify having to hear him crack these unfunny quips over and over and over.
Colt: I thought we were supposed to be these underground renegade quasi-nerd folk heroes, or something. Bashing someone's face in with a hammer involves major un-nerd-like activity, dude.
Lee: Fuck, I don't know. We'll use an E-Hammer or something.





If the first idea you have is a "dud," don't give up! Once you've started the thought process, things can only get better and better as you work your way through them! Coltimus Prime knows what we're talking about. Now that Lee's got the ball rolling, our new Spoony friend has taken it away and is attempting quite the slam dunk...of fun!

Colt: No need to take our aggressions out on celebrities, guys! We can have all the carnage we want right here at home. Why don't we learn the ancient art of Dim Mak, otherwise known as Death Point Touching?
Lee: Dim what?
HP: Yeah, dat sounds remarkably more dangerous than my general bitch-slap. I don' know if dis is such a good idea.
Lee: Although, I'm curious to know how it works.



Remember, kids: Visualization. You must visualize your objective in order to achieve it. Coltimus Prime demonstrates.

Colt: Yaaaaaaahhhhhh!
HP: Whoa, der, pardner, I don' much care for dis kind of-Bllaarrrggghhh!



HP: Ohhhh, why it gotta be dis way? Lordy...I cain't feel mah wang! Ya done de-sexified me!
Colt: That's cuz I'm the King, bitch! The King of this trash heap! Time to take over and rule with an iron fist!



It's important to keep in mind, however, that no matter how vivid one member of the group can visualize his or her goals, other members may still disagree. And, as we all know, it's important to keep the concerns of the group foremost in your thoughts.

Colt: So how about it, guys? Pretty fun, huh? Oh, yes.
Lee: Holy Christ, you sick fuck. What the hell is the matter with you?
HP: Uhhh...yeah, it would seem to me dat you have issues. I am no shrink by any means, but I would have to classify you as being very, very crazy.




Hearing from every member of the group is extremely important. Not only does it ensure that you recognize the best idea possible, but it's also the American way.

With that said, Hungry Pimp's own idea of fun really didn't come as much of a surprise to anyone.



Hungry Pimp uses visualization to practice his own ancient deadly arts.



Lee: The only real way to solve this problem is with a compromise. Coltimus Prime, you want to practice an ancient and deadly, yet very beautiful, art form. Hungry Pimp, you want to score with as many chicks as possible. The answer is right in front of us. We'll throw a killer rave.
HP: Dat is quite simply de single worst idea I have ever heard, and I hear kinky shit from my hos on a daily basis. Dis is just horrible.
Lee: Maybe you didn't take a look at my clearly drug-influenced face as illustrated in this, the worst photograph of me ever taken. In other words, you fucking owe me this.
Colt: Shit, I'm sold.



Success! With teamwork and cooperation, our heroes have discovered their future!

But to throw a rave? This activity will require a great deal of planning. It's time to get to work, guys.



In order to throw a rave, the first thing required are what the layman may call "raverwear." In short, it is a distinctive type of clothing each person should wear to show their individuality. Nothing says "rave" like flashy colors, bizarre outfits, and creative flair.

Since the formula for creating something so grotesque is at this point unknown, the best course of action is to root around in the closet and pretend that you're five years old and mommy gave you permission to dress yourself.




Since a rave is, in essence, a party, food should be high on your list of priorities. After all, it simply isn't a party without those "killer munchies" for the youngsters to snack on. Remember, though, that at a rave, nothing should be considered ordinary, so crack open that dusty old culinary skill of yours and go to town! It may not always taste good, but with everybody wasted on the drug of their choice, you'll be considered a master chef in your own right.

Lee: Salt! Everything tastes better with a big package of salt! Salt!
HP: Cantelope is indeed a fruit of the gods.
Colt: Hey, can you make ramen noodles with canola oil?
Lee: Maybe...with salt!




What's a rave without music? It's time to pump up the bass with some heavy house techno! Coltimus Prime, in the spirit of creativity and individuality that is the basis for all rave culture, has opted to make some of his own phat beats utilizing the high technology that is the basis for nerd culture. We salute him.

Unfortunately, the results of his soundwave experimentation were found to have severely adverse effects on the human body, as dictated by the FDA. We blame this on C. Prime's annoying repeated use of the infamous "brown note."



Once you're confident that the planning stages are over, it's time to settle down for a peaceful night of rest. After all, you've got a big day ahead.



Daybreak! After quickly stealing Hungry Pimp's precious teddy, Lee has a morning revelation.

Lee: Hey....did we actually invite anybody to this party?
Colt: Shit, I thought you were in charge of that.
HP: Dammit, gimme back mah bear! You's guys is always stealin' mah shit, and....awwww, fignuts, we didn't call nobody.



If you forget minor details, don't worry! There's always time to fix the little things, as our three Rave-keteers prove by immediately rushing to the phones for those much needed invites. Way to go, guys. Don't let the dream die.

Colt: Yeah, hi, can I please speak to the pope?
Lee: Hi, yeah, this is Lee. I'm famous on the Internet. I was just wondering if you'd be....no...no, I'm not that gay porn guy. No...look, I'm just wondering if....oh, that's sick. I....you can do that? How? Oh. Corn? Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Look, you're kinda freaking me out. Let's just pretend I was a telemarketer and hang up.
HP: Bitch, where's my pizza? I ordered that shit two hours ago! You get yo' self down heah before I come find you and rent my foot off in yo' ass! Oh, and we's throwin' a rave. Invite yo' friends.



Finally, the fateful night has come. It's time for our three heroes to show off their amazing dance skills. Come on, guys! Wow the crowds!

Colt: Cobra Strike to Lee's Belly Button Attack! This party is going to rock the whole neighborhood!
Lee: Dazzle Magic Surprise Supreme! You're right, Colt! This is awwweeesssoomme!
HP: Pelvic Pummel to the Poon Tang! Yeah, baby, it's only a matta of time before dem fine booties start backin' demselves on in heah. Meanwhiles....where's dem li'l mini-sandwich tings?



FOUR HOURS LATER

Lee: Ummm...guys? I don't think anybody's coming.
Colt: My arm's tired!
HP: Shit, I done et all da food already.



Sometimes you have to provide a wee bit more work when you truly want to have fun and make new friends. Never willing to give up, our trio instantly bounce back from their failure with a new plan.

HP: All right, fellas, I'm tinkin' we should prolly fix dis shit right here n' nah. Da guests ain't comin' to us, right? Yeah, so we'll just go to da guests. See? I done built a model.
Lee: I do see, Hungry Pimp. This is pure genius. All right, guys, it's time to initiate our new strategy. Snobby stuck up bitches want to ditch our party, then we're going to drive our geeky asses straight into their 'hoods. We're taking this rave...on wheels!
Colt: Christ, this idea has already given me gas.



And so the infamous "Rave Machine" was born. A car of epic proportions, it rocks casbahs from East Coast to West Coast.

Lee: With our sweet dance routine, we're unstoppable! Nobody can resist a mobile party!
HP: Damn, I'm smooth. Got me da skillz, got dis fly ride...king of the world!
Colt: (Yeah, I'll show you guys the King.)
Lee: What was that, Coltimus Prime?
Colt: Nothing. (Drive this fucking "Rave Machine" off a fucking cliff...)



With victory and a place in history assured, Hungry Pimp gives precious teddy a spanking of a life-time, moving on to some sweet, sweet plushie lovin'.



Fearing for teddy's life and high on his own success, Lee attempts to rejuvenate the clearly inanimate object with precious sodium chloride.



Coltimus Prime, unable to climb the ladder of popularity any more than he already has, spirals downward in a series of drunken escapades with his newfound soul-mate T. Bear and his other newfound soul-mate Canola Oil.